Friday, 27 October 2023

Father has gone nowhere (Ilaigal sirithana) by Paathasaari Vishwanathan

 

'Paadhasaari' Vishwanathan
This is an English Translation of “Ilaigal Sirithana” a short story written by Paadhasaari Vishwanathan. Translated into English by Saravanan Karmegam. My sincere thanks to Mr Paadhasaari Vishwanathan for giving me permission to translate this short story.

         ***

I completed reading the last line as well. I closed the book, placed it on my chest, craned my neck a bit, propped on the pillows, lay there on bed and closed my eyes. Any book, no matter how good it is, does invariably create an indecipherable void after reading it. We can term it  ‘emptiness’, an emptiness not in negative terms of feeling but something akin to standing on railway platform holding a platform ticket, watching the rear of train after its departure, and ostensibly not willing to return. While reading very good novels, this type of emptiness is seriously felt. If it is an intense reading that makes my heart elated, I’ll lie on bed, and remain wakeful with my eyes closed in the backdrop of long silence of that emptiness.

I opened my eyes. The tube light had brought a heaviness in the room. The silence had been lengthy. I couldn’t distinguish whether it was the sound of machines in cotton mill or the sound of train running at some distance. Despite my prudent attempts each night with both my physical ears and mental ears to know what it was, I had had failed in finding it out. It was either reading or writing sitting alone on my cot when the entire town was asleep was one of the most important aspects that had been keeping me happy. Mind is greedy and it tastes every moments of nights. Being immersed in the beauty of nights even without the interference of thoughts about my loving father lying sick on veranda was indeed a pleasure. Night is my friend, my philosophy and my guide. Among other reasons that are preventing me from committing suicide, this empty night stands as second reason. It is this ‘guiding’ night that gives me courage to take pledge to get rid of some of my bad habits (a voice is heard that all my habits are bad). Even showing my other cheek to be slapped would be possible for me only during these nights.

The bell of a mill located somewhere rings ‘two’. I can go to bed after emptying my bladder. Even if I don’t feel like peeing, it has become a habit that a sense of urgency would hit my mind at least once before I go to sleep. First I have to get away from this habit. Only the chirpings of insects were heard as the number of dogs on streets had come down. Sometimes I would feel in the interiors of my ears a mild whining sound of water buzzing beneath resembling the one coming out of radio for a couple of seconds before the telecast starts after it is switched on. When it stops abruptly, I would feel immensely delighted. Listening to it during past midnights is also my hobby.

I stopped my ‘hobby’, opened the door outside and searched for my father’s slippers in veranda. It was a pair of blue colour rubber slippers my father used. The veranda door was found unlocked from inside. I glanced at his cot and felt that he was not lying inside mosquito net. Growing anxious, I groped in dark, and switched on the light. A pale yellow light fell on veranda, gave me a clear view of his cot. Father wasn’t there inside mosquito net. I put on my slippers fast, stepped out of veranda, went past the entrance and stood in front of ‘toilet’.

It was the month of ‘Thai’, piercingly colder. The chillness of a magnificent peace that would descend on one’s body. The wind blew across through neem trees without disturbing its leaves. Countless stars strewn on the sky. The babbling sounds of Gounder, my neighbour, made in his snore were the only signs around there to prove that it was a residential area. But my concerns were my only signs of being existent- to know about my father’s whereabouts.  

Father wasn’t there in the toilet. I opened its door, went inside and shed a couple of drops of urine forcibly, came to veranda again and looked at his cot. Father had gone missing, probably along with his shawl. The bell of some mill at distance rang half. If you walked southwards getting into the house through the eastern side of entrance, you would reach elder sister’s house in the backyard. Everyone was asleep- a deep without even the sound of breath. Machan’s bicycle was also not found around. I don’t know in which shift he had left for the mill. We don’t talk to tach other. It has been five years since we stopped speaking to each other. He had turned out to be a poisonous leaf in my perception.

I switched on the light in the cow shed. The three cows given as dowry to my elder sister other than gold sovereigns were standing there. One of them rose suddenly, stood up as if being goaded. I switched off the light and left the shed. A cat was found lying on the heap of cow dung on my way.

I climbed onto the veranda, entered the house and searched for my father’s shirt. It was hanging on a hook in hanger along with his towel. Father had three shirts. I opened his cupboard and saw his other two shirts neatly ironed and kept. His four dhoties were also kept neatly stacked up. Where could he have gone? When I came home at about eleven in the night, he was lying on this cot in veranda. Wasn’t he? Most of the days I used to return home by the last bus in the night. It doesn’t matter how late I used to be while coming home, father would either clear his throat mildly or emit a cough lightly just to show me his presence as I remove my slippers while entering home, tiptoeing without making noise after releasing the latch of the netted door in veranda. As I would be completely absorbed in reading after that, it would be nearly two O clock for my room lights to be switched off. Even a heavier cough would not wake me up after that. There were days I used to be very much annoyed with his coughing sounds as I felt it disturbing the serenity I required for my reading. Harsh invectives would be vying in me to be thrown at him. Would there be any human species that do not know the usage of invectives? Only the circumstances in which they are used may have different contexts.

When I entered home today, father coughed as usual. I understood it must be a genuine cough sound as he was suffering from some ailments for the last four days. I didn’t delve into researching the genuineness of his coughing sound as I got busy with my reading. Where has he gone in this dead midnight?

As the time passed, I grew more and more anxious. I stood exasperatingly, leaning against the door frame after releasing the hook of entrance gate. A silent street lying in front like solemn forehead of a sleeping widow oblivious of her mundane worries. The village had forty families living in three streets designed like a tilted Tamil letter ‘pa’

Two or three dogs were barking in the streets in the rear. As my legs grew weak, I closed the gate, came back to veranda and sat down. Mind was preoccupied with haunting thoughts, as though I couldn’t figure out what exactly it was.

Has he gone to elder sister’s house to sleep? It isn’t possible. It is a very small house with four children. Even my sister would find it difficult to sleep comfortably in that narrow space. Other than his cot, it is improbable that he could have found out some other place to go. He wouldn’t even stay in our relative’s house overnight.

Even though it appeared to be interesting part of a riddle, fear and anxiety had engulfed my senses, made it smoky and finally smothered it. At last fear prevailed and the heat of misery along with an unease got me down.

Father was seriously ill last year. He was suffering from frequently bulging stomach and weakened breath. During those days while returning home earlier, I used to carry some unwanted thoughts along with me. A mere sight of four or five people gathering around while taking turn at the corner of street was more than enough to increase my palpitation and to pedal my bicycle faster or push me walk faster. Some days I had had returned home pedalling my bicycle faster even before hitting the street corner thinking that my father must have been dead that day. Only after I understood he was lying alive inside mosquito net, I will go to bed leaving my sense of relief behind along with my slippers. Those were the days I had slept with the warmth of my father’s presence that I used to feel in my soul- a sense of security one would feel under the armpit of a big bird’s wing. Now I have grown bolder, and am gradually growing confident to live this life even after the leaves are shed from trees, even after my father disappears going with the wind. It isn’t like tying up a ‘Thali’ for the sake of some ideals nor out of some philosophical inquest to convince oneself that there could be no tree that never sheds leaves. It is just an ordinary proposition about mundane life. It is based on a simple aspiration to sustain what I am for some more time beyond the ordinary mundane of relishing this life in the company of wife and children. I am just hanging on the tree from which my father was shed. My children would hang on the trees from which I am shed. Their children would hang on the trees from which they are shed…So as long as we could sustain in trees, it is equally true that my father’s death wouldn’t be because of me; my death not because of my children; their children are not responsible for….the tree is the centre of this universe. As long as death that leaves no ashes, it remains a reality, no one on this earth needs to be afraid of death…..But these thoughts offering me immense hopes on life fail me miserably when I get up in the morning!

Where the hell has he gone? I dropped the plan of waking up Goundar. When I returned home that night, he babbled something aloud, his voice was unusually louder. He might have taken high doses of liquor, I thought. I heard his wife admonishing him “Keep quiet”. He shouted at her back, “I just asked who it is. There are so many theft cases all around the village. What if I ask who’s that” and threw his usual single word abuse at her that pertained to her chastity.

“How dare you ask me such a question? How dare?” she also retorted with her usual high pitch. “Thief would run away if he hears your snoring sound. You aren’t a man. Are you? My womb has been empty for the last thirty years. I know all your strength. Don’t I?- her voice became heavier. They don’t have children.

I became conscious of having delved into thoughts. I rose from the veranda. What should I do now? O God! I became restless. The bell of a mill rang three and the bell from another mill also rang three. There was a subtle difference in their sounds. But I was not in mood to enjoy its delicate difference. Without latching the veranda door, I went in and my mind became restive in search of cigarettes. As the cigarette box was empty, I picked a used cigarette bud from the floor and lit it with the help of live fire from the tip of mosquito coil. I couldn’t understand what was happening.

Nothing very frustrating did happen in my father’s life that could have forced him to become a mendicant. If he was so worried about something, it must be only about my marriage. Even amidst those extremely shorter durations of my stay at home, I had ensured his peace of mind with my gleeful appearance in front of him. I had cleaned bicycle and insulated it with oils. I had washed pillow covers and dried them under sun. In the ‘flush out’ toilet, I had used only required amount of water without wasting it. I had ensured at least once in a week that I returned home earlier. I had restrained myself that I would sleep in my friends’ houses only three times a week. I have been earnestly avoiding one of my worst habits of throwing away non-existent garbage from my room by frequently cleaning it. My father had a belief that frequent cleaning would drive away the goddess of luck from house. Would such a man go out of this house for nothing? Was he suffering from any such illusions that anyone of his age would suffer? Being so conscious about his image and prestige, he had never been even candid about his genuine needs to me. Only for some frivolous things such as cleaning bicycles, he used to utter a word or two. I was also not in the habit of speaking to him shedding my shyness totally despite my unsurmountable love for him. I have been like this since my childhood- it is the ‘freedom of speech’ that was existing between us.

I had caused him enormous troubles for the last two years both in terms of frequently demanding money and putting him under mental stress without doing any job. Father had told me during those days, “You keep troubling me like this- I will leave for Dharmshala one day for sure”.

Sound of dogs barking was heard somewhere. I heaved a sigh. Aged people wouldn’t have good sleep in night. It is a boon given in one’s old age. When it is a boon, I shouldn’t get worried about it. Should I? Father is seventy years old. Other than his troubling physical ailments, he didn’t suffer from any other severe mental stress. I am also earning now. He alone enjoys rental money from tenants.

Sometimes it had occurred to me that it was not a good sign for old age people enjoying their life to its fullest. One of my father’s friends was telling about his father- A man who had recently retired from a very high post in the government, a man who had been very happy staying in his son’s house for two years went missing in an early morning! That friend had noticed no shade of sorrow anywhere in his father’s mind. He further told that his father was not much interested in spiritual matters. He had been living without his spouse for the last forty years. He wouldn’t have gone missing if his mother had been alive and living with him, he rued and vented his heart out. It has been ten years now since his father left him. He was still unable to understand the riddle behind his disappearance. (He showed me a copy of ‘The Hindu’ newspaper which his father had left unopened on the day he left his house. He was visibly depressed.)

Barking sound of a single dog was heard from the East street. The bell rang half again. It must be half past three. A burning sensation of acid deep inside my chest pit. I locked the veranda door, went to bed and lay there but unable to close my eyes.

Though the swing of my mind that was making me restless stopped for a while subsiding its screeches, I was still shivering inside like its strings. The seconds followed after that had me reposed with a great hope which I forcibly brought- that I would see my father next morning. A hope of seeing a ‘dawn’ that had never been experienced before. If it had been my earlier days, I would have woken up my sister and neighbours to create a big scene over there. Of late as my natural temperament grew softer and matured I had started disliking blatant expression of angst and shock. Sometimes this so-called maturity would see itself weak and break into pieces during days and express itself with fury either in the form of rugged masculine outburst or derailed railway engine that runs amok. An inevitable reaction displayed in fraction of a second at the moment of expressing anger!

My father was also a pitiable soul. (When I was one year old, my mother died). He was living without his spouse for thirty years. I haven’t seen any traces of mendicancy in him in the recent past. On the contrary, he had some special attachment towards material things around him. Broken glasses, an inch long piece of pencil, torn strap of slippers, combs with broken spikes, old spokes rods of bicycles, skeleton umbrellas, empty match boxes, big bag stitching needles without holes, empty pen refills, rusty bunches of keys, broken wooden scales are some of the items I had seen in a brief glance from his warehouse where he kept them under his safe custody. The tin box which had all these items in it had a lock for itself too. Father was still keeping a personal diary given by the Labour Union of the Mill in 1948 in a box in which he had kept house deed documents. If you ask him a receipt of house tax paid in 1962, he would readily give it on a condition that one box from the loft had to be moved from there.  

It appeared that my father, in an attempt of filling the big gaps created by the time during the long journey of human relationships, has been collecting some memories outside his life. Some would fill it with the words they borrow from others, and some would fill it with their own words. Father didn’t belong to either of them. When I owned the credit of ruining his money without doing job, I stood without moral right to find mistake in any of his activities like these.

As the time passed by, the left out shiver in the swing of my mind also stopped. However, I could still feel the possibility of impending unexpected somewhere in the corner of my thoughts. The tired eye lids closed my eyes bringing me sleep. A cat scratched the veranda door followed by a ‘thud’ sound. Is it the sound of unfastening the latch?

I jumped out of bed and found myself on the veranda. There…father was standing with his towel wrapped around his head like a bogeyman. I switched on the veranda light wasting no time.

“Where did you go?” I asked him angrily. His face which hung blue on hearing this became brighter again in a second- like a blooming sun flower in midnight!

“I just went out for taking a round along with Muthanna. We went out patrolling the streets to keep a check on thieves” father told, looking up to my face with a smile on his face. I also forgot what I was undergoing and threw a bright smile at him. It must be long before my school days we had both laughed heartily facing each other, I thought.

I took a pledge that I must conduct myself in such a way which would keep my father smile like this all the time, even at the time of facing his death and then went to sleep.

***Ended***

No comments:

Post a Comment